Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
