The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
