She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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