As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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