I think I won the penis lottery.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
