Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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