Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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