the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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