did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
