Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
