My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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