I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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