i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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