the condom got lost in my hair
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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