Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
