there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
