I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
