I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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