My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
