fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
