Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
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I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
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I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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