it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
