Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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