don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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