i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
They are going to name an STD after you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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