So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
