Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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