No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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