I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I touched a dick in church today
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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