yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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