high people should be assigned attendants
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
