I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
