There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
