so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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