this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize