dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
