Screwed.edu
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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