***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
