Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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