I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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