Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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