sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
