I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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