Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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