Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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