I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
