this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i want to swaddle you in tequila
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
