he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
