I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
