You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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