alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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