the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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