Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
