I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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