i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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