All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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