You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I need a burrito and a hug.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
